The BLOG

 

“As things stand now, I am going to be a writer. I’m not sure that I’m going to be a good one or even a self-supporting one, but until the dark thumb of fate presses me to the dust and says ‘you are nothing’, I will be a writer.”

― Hunter S. Thompson,

For every blogger, there is a seemingly “normal” looking person who lives, works and dreams out there in the “real” world. We who write and create and share exist mostly under assumed names beneath a cover of unknownness and anonymity. We come in all shapes and sizes, under a rainbow of colors and experiences, faiths and nationalities. We are a varied group indeed whose representatives span the globe bringing such diverse and wonderous ideas, thoughts, knowledge and wisdom.

We all have one aspect in common; the need/want desire..compulsion even, to share what we know, what we learn and what we experience with others. We yearn to reach out in friendship and understanding through a mutual curiosity of each other and the greater diversity of humankind. We are storytellers and poets, artists and dreamers. We are lovers of life and all its wonders…we are compelled to do this…and most of us do it for free.

I know how much work you put into your blog. It is obvious the time and attention that is put into such a production. There is a love here, at least a sort of affection and there is a degree of satisfaction in having completed another post and pressing “Publish”. I can imagine how it may feel after writing a whole book! Wow! It feels good to create, to put something out there into such a world that does exist beyond oneself.

It would be nice to get paid for this…I mean really nice and great and wonderful and all that, but I’d write anyway…money or not…

SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE

We are a curious lot, we bloggers…at least I can speak for myself.   I’m sure by now anyone who has been here before and will surely attest to the fact that I am different…and proud…and I do think many of us would admit to being at least a little  odd, a bit unusual,  more colorful or just plain strange.

I have found in communicating with a diverse group in this community of ours, that we tend to be thoughtful and intelligent…most of us seem to care about other people and the world around them. I have found most to be independently minded.

I feel like a have a secret identity. There is Nancy, the soft-spoken , shy and quiet type and there’s opinionated and preachy Strawberryindigo who is sometimes full of herself but sometimes discovers sweet little colorful burst of brilliance along the way. THAT one. We are one and the same but different. SBI is more outgoing and friendly…SBI is  more sure of herself…Nancy is a chicken. I sometimes think to myself…I wonder “what SBI would do in this situation?” Sometimes I’ll take the advice and at other times I don’t have the guts.

It’s a strange duality and I wonder how many of us think along the same lines. There is a degree of voluntary anonymity here and this is freeing…

I sometimes wonder how others deal with this duality in the real world. I was wondering if many of you tell others about your blog? My immediate family knows, some cousins and a few friends know but mostly I keep the whole thing to myself. I have told a couple  co workers, and a few chance acquaintances; I feel this probably wasn’t the best idea. It seemed to be more of a confession than a proud proclamation……the words would just tumble out of me…”I have a blog” out of the blue..  Most recipients of this vitally important news have gotten a look of indigestion tinged with subtle boredom flicker across their faces and that they are secretly hoping I won’t ask them to “see” it..

I don’t know…what do you say? How do you say it? I feel funny about it and so I haven’t told many people..

I think there are some preconceived notions some may have about bloggers, creative types and writers in general,.I’ve noticed that, and it’s probably my imagination, but some people hold back after they know you are a writer that..it’s as if they think I will write secrets and unflattering words about them in some tell all book I’ll write in the future. Even MM, my beloved and charming adventure companion has accused me of planning to commit such an act….

…no wonder he’s always on his best behavior…

Like I said there are certain little joys to this “busyness”….

.

From time to time I will see a seemingly normal looking person or people taking pictures of absolutely ordinary things; buildings, trees, reindeer signs,  beautiful chocolate desserts…and I smile wide knowing he or she is a comrade in arms.

I don’t feel so strange snapping close up shots of bumblebees on irises in the parking lot at work or whippping out the camera at the grocery store…I must admit that I do enjoy sprawling out on the neighbors lawn in order to get that perfect shot underneath the leafy tree branches…

I feel like I am a part of a greater whole….a larger community…made up of people who like to share of themselves and their lives even if that means taking pictures of food in a restaurant or down at the market or whatever and writing about it…to me this is fun stuff and I bet to many of you…

There is a certain peacefulness to the whole practice…snapping snipplets of life and then write a bit about it, put it online and it comes back to life; just like that…and then these little snippets, these pieces of life of hopes, dreams, thoughts and ideas that  in the past before this technology would have stayed hidden in the dark corners of obscurity…like shooting stars…these little snippets can be set free to wander the virtual global community….later to be picked up like a bottle on the beach by a random beachcomber perhaps on the other side of the world…

This is almost akin to magic and there are treasures out there if one just looks….

Have you ever noticed that bloggers like to write a lot about blogging and that other bloggers like to read about it?  What this accomplishes, I don’t know..perhaps it’s just nice to belong….

Wishing you well on this rainy end of an all too short weekend…

Strawberryindigo.

How does it feel to be one of these bloggerful people? 

  How have your experiences in this virtual world affected you?

Changed you? enhanced your life? or otherwise?

Let me know “How does it Feel to be a Blogger?”  

“Great writers are indecent people

they live unfairly

saving the best part for paper.

good human beings save the world

so that bastards like me can keep creating art,

become immortal.

if you read this after I am dead

it means I made it.”

― Charles Bukowski

 

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Fresh Quotes: MAY~The words I live by

Credit: Einstein, Mother Nature and SBI

I found this quote a couple of years back. I was at a crossroads in my life, I was lost and searching for answers. I felt time was ticking away and eating at my soul. I felt empty and answerless. I was searching….searching for something…I did not know what. Answers perhaps…meaning, at least a direction. I was spiritually and physically low but ready for something…I didn’t know what at the time…and then I ran across this quote. It was contained in a quote book I picked up at the library, before that I wasn’t one for quotes. They seemed old and stuffy. I could not see how they could be the least bit interesting;  old rehashed bits taken out of context…but for some reason I checked the book out, brought it home and opened it up. I thumbed through a few pages before I came to this one above….I admit I took extra care in looking at it because it had Einstein’s name attached to it but it was the clutter part that piqued my interest. I read the quote in it’s entirety….again and again. It was as if I had discovered something…it hit me like a ton of bricks and it seemed to be speaking just to me; telling me what I needed to hear at the very time I needed to hear it….every word of the quote was essential. It was a blueprint; a map to where I needed to go…it seemed so complex yet so simple and I proceeded to follow it to the letter and I still do. That quote changed my life, literally and for the better. Before I could never comprehend how the wonderful could be hidden smack dab in plain sight right in the middle of the awful, but there it was….there it is…as strange as it sounds before that I felt unjustly persecuted by the events in my life…it all seemed so unfair and all I could do at the time was selfishly think of myself…I will admit this. It is something I am ashamed of now, but it is the truth. Of course I thought of my kids and the people I loved but that was it, as far as I was concerned the rest of humainty….all those people I didn’t know…all those strangers, what did I owe them anyway…these strangers I had never met….they never did any thing for me…and I wasn’t doing so hot myself. I had just found out  I was Aspergers and I had nowhere to turn. I was alone but I couldn’t see why…this is when that quote came out of the blue like that and struck me.

Since that time I have changed dramatically. I started this blog and started reaching out into this wonderful wide world of ours and I have found so much wonder, awe and compassion in myself that grows daily. Just the other day I took these wise words written by such a wise man, printed them into a photo of the sky I had just taken and merged them together. This photo now hangs on the wall at work, right next to my computer. I look at it many times during the day and I take each word to heart.

I am now a quote person. I have many favorites and have learned so much from them. I don’t know why I never caught on to this before but I suppose the time came when it needed to . I have amassed quite a collection. For this month’s edition of Fresh Quotes I will be including my all time favorites; the very words I live by…I hope you find some  you like too…

By the way, HAPPY May, yes, it is May already. 

~SBI

Me before the “big job interview.” I was scared witless but I went anyway and got the job! Now it’s just a place I go to and complain about…haha.

“DO ONE THING EVERYDAY THAT SCARES YOU.”

~Eleanor Roosevelt

November 9, 1989, jubilant crowds celebrated the opening of border crossings along the Berlin Wall.

“Many small people, who in many small places do many small things, can alter the face of the world”

(By anonymous, found on a piece of graffiti on the Berlin Wall.)

Credit: Public Domain

“Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all.”

~Emily Dickinson

Credit: Public Domain

“Life is short, Break the Rules.

Forgive quickly, Kiss SLOWLY.

Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably

And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.”

~Mark Twain

Credit: Hulton-Deutsch

“FORGET SAFETY.
LIVE WHERE YOU FEAR TO LIVE.
DESTROY YOUR REPUTATION.
BE NOTORIOUS.”
~Rumi

Credit: Public Domain

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Credit: Pixelcharlie

“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”

 ~Neil Gaiman

Credit: Public Domain

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP.”
~Winston Churchill

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Scribbles from a little blue notebook…

Lonely Field in Cyan- Credit: SBI

Songbirds sing a song tinged with sweet hope bidding a farewell to the dark of yesterday’s night. The sun has not yet risen but they know it will, as do I. The clouds are strewn in patches across the sky. The sky is dark blue interlaced with an even deeper indigo that outline the tall buildings which are spotted with light. It seems every third window is lit with a warm and welcoming light. Each one reminds me there is a devoted soul inside who is engaged in some early morning business. I hope they will stop if only for a moment to watch the sun rise…and rise it will, just as it always does. There is a certain comfort in that. A certain knowingness that no matter how life changes there will always be some things we can depend on.

Credit: SBI

I hear the train in the distance just as I always do. It’s arrival is marked with a melancholic anticipation. The bike riders show up at the last-minute, their blinking helmet lights announcing their arrival. It is always this way. I sip the last of my hot tea and steady myself before we board the train. It is already half filled with early morning commuters.  We are all silent. There are no smiles, no revelry. Some stare out the windows, some read paperbacks and a few others steadily tap away on laptops. Many start to drift off and some are asleep as we make our way into the long dark tunnel that starts my morning journey.

I take out my little blue notebook and start to scribble, recording my thoughts and dreams and hopes and schemes.  I stretch my mind and explore my imagination searching for something profound or funny, but today I find nothing. …just the remnant of a song I heard earlier and the lingering doubts I sometimes feel about myself. Writing eases the lonely hours, this act keeps me from feeling so alone. It will be this very thing that will save me…someday…this I must believe.

Credit: SBI

The sun rises as we make our way from station to station. Yes It did come, this glorious sun! This sun we knew would come. I think of the songbirds back at the station I left far behind and I think of what awaits me at my stop where I will get off.  I smile a little private smile knowing that someday this will be all worthwhile as long as I can just take it day by day…

Reporting from the “wilds” of Beaverton,

Strawberryindigo.

Credit: SBI

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NOBODY HOME by Pink Floyd

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TAG Tripper

TAG! You are IT!

Niaaeryn from Gateways and Musings, a compatriot in the adventures of blogging has engaged me in a virtual twist on a school yard favorite: Tag. This particular game involves no running for which I am grateful. It does however come with some rules which I may or may not adhere to. The rules are as follows:

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1.Post the rules.
2.Post a photo of yourself.
3.Post eleven random facts about you.
4.Questions were created for you by the person who tagged you. Answer the questions.
5.Tag several people.
6.Create eleven new questions for those that you have tagged.
7.Go to their blog/twitter and let them know that they have been tagged.

***********************************************************************************************

I really like Niaaeryn. She is a wonderful person and her questions were so intriguing I felt I had to participate. Here is the post in which you can read all the “horrible” details as to how I was tagged.

Strawberryindigo in Spring

The questions that I answered:

1.How long have you been blogging? I have been blogging since August of 2011. It seems like only yesterday. I am constantly learning and I owe much of that new knowledge to my wonderful blogging friends who are wonderfully wise. I am so lucky!
2.What made you start blogging? I have spent much of my life misunderstood and basically alone in a crowd. I have made it no secret that I am Asperger’s. In real life I am a social misfit. It seems at times I have two left feet in that regard. I have always written since I was old enough to grip a pencil. It has always been my outlet. Until I started blogging I kept everything to myself as I was afraid of what others would think of my strange and colorful personality. Since that time I have really come out of my shell! I was welcomed with open arms by this community of bloggers. I feel I can truly be myself here.  I have  received support and friendship here. Blogging has saved me and I am committed to helping others and spreading the light I have received. As crazy as it sounds, I believe it is my calling to help others with my writing.
3.What essential item do you carry with you at all times? HAHA…I carry a camera, of course. I am always snapping shots wherever I go. I have learned to ignore the funny looks and I always notice I am not the only one doing this. Whenever I see someone taking “unusual” photos I know it’s a comrade in arms!
4.If you could meet a famous person, who would it be and why?  George Clooney. I refuse to say why and please don’t tell MM.

President Obama discusses Strawberryindigo with actor and activist George Clooney during a meeting at the White House

5.Who is your favorite author? It’s hard to pick just one. I suppose my favorite is Jared Diamond. I am a compulsive learner and I just can’t get enough of the guy. I wish he could produce more but in all fairness it would be impossible given the material. I would recommend his books to anyone who likes non-fiction that explains why we humans are the way we are. I have learned an immense amount from him and to me that means a lot.

6.If a chicken was crossing the road, would you ask it why it was crossing or would you just set back and watch it cross the road taking in the moment? Why did you choose as you did? I would definitely watch the chicken and take pictures with my handy-dandy camera. Then I would probably write about it and lament that I was too chicken to ask this chicken for an interview. (I am quite shy but I am working on that.)

The question is not “WHY?” it’s “WHY NOT?”

7.What was your favorite show when you were a kid? I would have to say the original Star Trek. I have seen every single one. I identify with Mr. Spock. We have much in common, that Vulcan and I.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

8.What is your favorite thing to cook? I know this may horrify some of you but honestly, I like to cook anything with bacon and many of my self-made recipes include the saturated-fatty nitrate packed meat product.

9.What is your favorite genre of literature? Science Fiction is my favorite genre especially from the 50′s and 60′s.I have literally read hundreds of Sci-Fi books although I mostly stick to non-fiction now.

10.What is your favorite genre of writing? Creative non fiction which I attempt to mostly do.
11. If you had a million dollars—not strings and taxes were already taken out—what would you do?   I would probably take a portion of it and save it for the future, taking some of that and investing it in a diversified portfolio of fixed and variable mutual funds. ( I used to work in that industry, so I have some good ideas about that.) I would purchase a modest house. I don’t need much. Someplace with a big yard. I would go back to school and probably major in Journalism and minor in Botany..And after that I would get to the important stuff like starting some charities. I would definitely do something for autistic people, something that lets them express themselves with art. I would buy up some virgin land and not touch it; keeping it from development. I would also like to buy land in the city and make community gardens and/or farms so people, especially low-income people, could grow their own healthy food. I would support teaching young people about the land and nature and why our planet is so important. I guess I would have more causes than money at that point. That is why I’d write about what I was doing I encourage others to contribute.  (Obviously I have given this a lot of thought.)

Community-garden-thanks-to-green-guerillas

Whew….enough about me…I suppose I am breaking some rules here because by now I am so entirely sick of myself and you probably are too so I am skipping the whole random facts about me part. Use your wild imaginations here my friends….. Now it is my turn to ask some questions…

1. How did you come up with your blogging name?
2. if you could travel to an imaginary place what would it be?
3. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
4. Do you have a favorite posession? What is it and why is it dear to you?
5. What was your favorite subject in school?
6. What is your earliest memory?
7. Could you pass a FBI check?
8. Can you juggle or perform any sort of circus act?
9. What is your deepest fear?
10. What was your first job?
11. Do you hate answering stupid nosy questions?

I don’t want to put anyone on the spot; anyone and everyone who is reading this and who wants to participate, please do so.  I welcome it! You are so fascinating and I’d LOVE to know more about you. I guess I am asking you to tag yourself which could be quite a spectacle but being bloggers here maybe some of you may choose to make a spectacle of yourself. (I certainly encourage that sort of activity) Please be my guest and break the rules, I love rule breakers. If you choose to participate make it your own. Whoever does play, please provide a link to this post and I will include a link to yours. I will also promote your post on Twitter (you can opt out on that) and if enough people respond I will do an entire post praising your glories and what I know will make an interesting read.

So how about it? Anyone up for a game??

Let me know, I’ll be around.

Strawberryindigo.

CHECK THIS OUT!!!   THE TAGGED ONES–

(Thanks for playing along)

1. It Is Meme Time!!  By Karen H. (menopausediaries.wordpress.com)

2.Just Tagging Along   By Sparkyleegeek   (sparkyleegeek.wordpress.com)

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Day Tripper By The Beatles (You Tube)  For years I thought they were singing “Tag Tripper” hence the title of this post.  I’m such an idiot sometimes!

A New Newness

Credit: SBI

It is dark and cold. The moon is a perfect crescent just hanging there in the very early morning sky as a reminder that the night is not through with its hold. I am standing at the train station, my new mint green travel mug is in my hand warming it and filling me with hot Jasmine tea. I look around at my fellow commuters. It is Monday and their faces seem to reflect that. I see many yawns and tired eyes.
I am, on the other hand, grinning like a banshee. I couldn’t be more awake. I am on my way to my new job and it is the first day. I’m sure in time I will become as lackluster as these poor other souls here; shivering in the cold, dark and lonely train station at 6:13 a.m., but for now I am too excited and definately much too grateful to do anything but wear a smile as wide as the sky.
The job hunt took longer than I thought and I don’t have to tell anyone that times are harder than they used to be. I am looking forward to getting a reliable income. Despite my extra long commute, I can’t help but appreciate this opportunity that I have been given.
I’m sure that you remember me complaining about money being tight in the past but now things will ease up a bit. I couldn’t be happier about it. I think the economy is turning a slow and steady corner and my good fortune is a sign of that.
I am taking the train. In reality it’s called the MAX. It is a light rail that will transport me to a faraway land called Beaverton. I am leaving my comfort zone of good old Portland for the sprawl of suburbia.

Credit: SBI

The commute is long but it will give me a chance to think, scribble in my little blue notebook which I am doing now and catch up on my reading. I am glad that I had the opportunity of working at home in the past but I am also just as glad that I am able to work out of the home now. My children are growing up; they don’t need me as much and I need to get out into the real world. I’ve lived somewhat of a sheltered life and to be a decent writer one needs to be somewhat worldly….for now my expanded world includes Beaverton, but this is not forever. I am even more determined than ever to make a go of at as a professional writer.
I am probably telling you all of this because I won’t be able to visit you as much as I’d like, at least for now….I will be doing most of my visiting on the weekends and some nights and playing catch up as I’m sure many of you do already.
I think my frivolous activities such as tweeting and playing Scrabble online will have to be toned done a bit but I will make blogging a priority. My writing and contacts with you are important to me and that won’t change even if as I take on the wilds of Beaverton and slowly become a corporate killer….haha. really…I’m just a grunt in an office. The job that I really wanted at the nursery was not offered to me and I had to go back to what I am experienced in which is office work., oh well. I guess one must do what one must do.

Credit: SBI

I am fortunate enough to be able to work in a nice place that is in the middle of a natural like area with shrubs, trees and fields of green. Just the other day I spied a hummingbird on my break; so things could be worse. I am thinking of it as an adventure and I am very grateful for the opportunity.

I’m sure I will have much to share with you over the coming months…

Have an excellent day!

Strawberryindigo.

“In response to those who say to stop dreaming and face reality, I say keep dreaming and make reality.” 
~Kristian Kan

“Perserverence is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.” 

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

♦

Related article from my other blog

Weekly Photo Challenge: There Goes My Neighborhood   (picturesinlivingcolor.wordpress.com)

The Neon Cheesy Dust of Self Importance

Say “CHEESE”

It all started with an idea. A grandiose crazy idea, some of which I am about to tell you, most of it I must keep to myself for now but suffice to say it will be my first big move into the fast paced grown-up world of freelance writing.

So I got this idea; a flash of brilliance that almost blinded my cat Mario. I was so excited by this that I started to jump up and down and instantly without thinking, I plunged my dainty hand straight into a bag of Doritos and started to consume it’s overly cheesy contents. I am a mom and I preach ad nauseam against this sort of activity but there I was munching away; my eyes ablaze waiting for MM to come through the door and then suddenly: there he was, and there I was, and then I just blurted it out: “I want you to be my manager.” I managed to stammer, eyes wide, mouth full of chips. “You’d do what you’re doing now except that you could call yourself my manager…of course, I couldn’t pay you” I added sheepishly.

As you may have guessed; he jumped at the chance!  So there we were jumping up and down like lunatics in the kitchen. By then Mario, my famous cat, had darted out of the room, but we didn’t care. We were hugging and I was getting neon cheesy dust on his back and I didn’t care and he didn’t know, but that’s OK–I do all the laundry. It was an amazing moment for both of us…

… It is also amazing how a person can pump themselves up with a basically unearned  and certainly at this moment in time, worthless highfalutin title. Just like that.  It is at these moments that I am proud to be an American!

And that reminds me…did you know that Americans are the most narcissistic people in the world? Well…I bet you knew that but did you know that I am NOT one of these narcissistic Americans?  HA!  I bet you didn’t know THAT! Yes, it’s true. I was a bit curious about the subject so I started reading a book on narcissism; its fascinating stuff. The book contains a short test which I took, and to my surprise and embarrassment; I scored pretty low…so low that I think I may suffer from low self-esteem with a shot of delusional over-thinking and obvious long-windedness. Apparently just thinking I may be narcissistic may disqualify me.  Well I guess I still have some work to do….

…but now I have a manager and a goal…it’s nothing to choke on your Dorito over, but it’s a start.

Wishing you a fantastic day full of big dreams and junky neon cheese!

Strawberryindigo.

• ◊  Related articles  ◊ •

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The Gift of Appreciation

“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” 
~Madeleine L’Engle

2012 has been rough for many of us including myself. This past year has hurt me in so many ways. I feel it has been the worst year of all my forty-three. I’ve been battered and bruised and my ego has surely taken a hit.  2012 had me on the ropes and seemingly down for the count more times than I’d like to remember but I keep getting up and that is the important thing…and I’ve grown immensely; in confidence, character and compassion.

This past year has certainly been a lean year as I’m sure it has been for many people but as awful as this year has been it has given me a gift that a million good years could never grant me; the gift of appreciation.

Previously in my life like so many others, I measured success in dollars and although I have never been rich I have generally been comfortable; enough to have a secure roof over my head and more than enough food to eat with a little left over for small indulgences such as trips to Starbucks, dinners out a couple of times a week and frivolous clothes shopping excursions every once in a while. No matter how much I had, I found myself wanting more. It seemed in my warped frame of mind that there was always something I seemed to lack compared to other people around me who always seemed to have more. It was as if I never measured up and that was a refection on me as a person.

I would go to the mall and pass by “Joe Brown’s Caramel Corn”, a long-time popular fixture there. I would smell the caramelly goodness and lament that I couldn’t afford a treat.  The place was always busy at the time and it seemed to me I was the only one who had to pass it up and I felt bad.

This past year has wiped out any non-necessary spending at all including my sale hunting shopping trips to the mall…but as it has a tendency to do: life goes on and I couldn’t just sit at home anymore and feel sorry for myself. I returned to the mall and passed by Joe Brown’s but I had been altered somehow.  I smelled the heavenly scent emitting from that popular spot but instead of feeling bad because I couldn’t partake in some caramel corn I felt grateful to be able to appreciate the yummy smell. I walked around and people-watched and just took it all in and for really no reason at all I felt elated!
And then it hit me… I was enjoying myself and I didn’t need a dime to do it. I discovered what I had been missing all along: a sense of appreciation just to be alive. This was a feeling that perhaps I never truly had before. It is easy to pay lip service and say you appreciate the small things but to really and truly feel it is quite another thing.

It is a gift that hardship has given me. I have my health and most importantly a family that loves me and that is so much more important than anything!  In that I am rich and no matter what the future may bring, I will always carry that around in my heart.

Wishing you a Happy and Healthy New Year full of LOVE and togetherness with family and friends.

♥ Nancy (Strawberryindigo.)

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough”

  ~Oprah Winfrey~

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A Heartfelt THANK YOU!

Christmas is almost upon us and I feel this is the perfect opportunity to extend a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has liked my work, especially those of you who have graced my blog with your intelligent comments. Your feedback has been invaluable to me.

I am blessed to have such an amazing array of regular visitors from all over the world. I have learned so much from your wisdom and thoughtfulness. You have welcomed me with open arms and open minds and I am so fortunate to know you.

When I started this blog back in August of 2011 I was desperate and alone; friendless and misunderstood, you befriended and understood me. I have learned I can be myself here. That is very precious to me as I am a sensitive soul who has hidden this aspect of myself for as long as I can remember.

I had just learned of my Asperger’s and that set the tumblers in motion that has brought me here today: pouring my soul out in words that I wouldn’t dare to say to myself or even acknowledge, let alone write down for the whole world to see.

Because I hid from the world, alone in the shadows, afraid of everything…even people. Yes, I admit it here and now to you that most of my entire life I have been afraid of people; afraid to show my strange self to anyone, not even those closest to me.

I spent a good many years in an alcoholic daze “brave-facing” the world with a drunken defiant smile all the while hiding myself behind a hard steel wall of my own creation. It wasn’t until I discovered my Asperger’s that it finally dawned that I didn’t have to be alone anymore. This started my writing, first on a small blog on an Asperger’s website then a few months later in this blog. I choose the name “My Life in Color” because at the time I thought that I would write solely about my life on the spectrum to give others a chance to perhaps understand someone like me because I wanted/needed desperately to be understood.  I was ashamed of this and embarrassed that I didn’t have any real friends just drinking buddies who never knew me because I never let them. I never let anyone know me, even my own family.

It was the fear I hid behind: The fear of rejection, of ridicule, of others knowing what was really going on inside of me; how different I was. I hardly ever spoke to anyone.  I just kept writing in my little notebooks and reading and learning. Words were my friends, you see and I knew somewhere deep down in my buried heart that words would someday save me–if I would only have to courage to let those words see the light of day.

But I lacked the confidence, until only recently I had no confidence at all or courage or anything of merit.  I just existed and waited for what…I didn’t know, but I do know now. I waited for this; for a chance to be myself: hidden behind a facade of a fake name and the belief that no one would be reading my stuff anyway. The first month or so no one did, not many anyway, but one by one you came and you told me good things about me. You told me I was a good writer. You encouraged me.  You understood me and you didn’t laugh at me or make me feel small. I don’t know why, but you kept coming and reading and commenting. Some of you for everything I wrote–everything.  You didn’t mind that it sometimes takes me many days to return your comments. You didn’t mind if I didn’t make it to your sites all the time.  You just kept returning and as the months came and went some of you called me friend and then after a while I had to courage to call you friend because I’ve learned about friendship from you and this is spilling out into my offline life. I have the courage now; the courage to look others in the eye and smile and say “I’m really glad to see you” and really mean it. This is because of you my friends.  You saw something in me that I could never see before and I cannot truly convey how much I appreciate this.

This is like magic to me and now because of you and your kindness and acceptance of me I can finally see beyond myself to you and to others.  I have found that I am not so different after all and there are many people in the world who too are alone, even in a crowd as I was. There are a great many people who just want to be understood and to hear someone say ” I care and you matter”

It means so much to me when you say I’ve brightened your day or made you think or smile or even laugh. I didn’t know I could be funny. I didn’t know I could be anything or anyone at all.

You my friends have given me this gift and what a precious one it is, more valuable than gold and it is a gift that keeps on giving because if there is anything I do in this life it will be paying this gift back to anyone and everyone that needs it….and there are so many and I think really, sometimes we all do.

This desire goes beyond my dream to become a writer someday, this silly pipe dream to become the next J.K Rowling. That is nothing. Money is nothing. Notoriety is nothing. I am not alone anymore and that is something and that is because of you!

You have saved me and that is why I am thanking you.

Thank you my friends and HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

♥ Nancy

Mario wishes you a happy holiday too!

THE MIDDLE

“The youth gets together his materials to build a bridge to the moon, or, perchance, a palace or temple on the earth, and, at length, the middle-aged man concludes to build a woodshed with them.”
*Henry David Thoreau*

I have been finding myself slipping ever so slowly into what is commonly referred to as “middle age”  apparently halfway between birth and death. At 43 I’d like to think that I still have a few years before I officially hit that middle mark.   This middle age business can take its toll on the ego sometimes, especially at those times when I am being called “ancient” by my smartalacky teenagers. I don’t feel ancient or old at all…really.

In fact I still expect to see that smarmy teen looking back when I look into the mirror, to see traces of age where there wasn’t before, tells me time passes quickly… much too quickly.

One day I’m young and full of attitude. I am a self-proclaimed knower of all that is worth knowing..I have the world by the tail and can do no wrong…and then…

and then… I really don’t know what happened…time passes like it always does, it goes faster than you think it will…it seems to be going faster and faster and then, in what  seems like a blink of an eye….you wake up and take notice. It’s like waking up from a  dream and find you’ve been asleep for far too long.

There’s a moment that sticks in my mind; a time that time made me wake up; it was probably the first time that society sent a subtle message to me…

“You are getting old, you”

I wasn’t ready to hear that…

I was in the car changing radio stations like a maniac, as I do. I found a song from my youth…I think it was AC/DC’s “Back in Black”, this was a favorite of mine in earlier days: to me it symbolized youth and fun and….rebellion…..back when I was a youth full of fun and rebellion….and so I hear the song and all those feelings rushed back and it’s like it was yestersday…I am a punky 14-year-old clad in my black leather jacket and spiky hair, wearing pounds of makeup and tons of attitude….I’m right back there and it’s fun, I enjoy this…  Music does that to me. I enjoy stepping back into little pockets of my past with music…it was all good up to that point…until the end of the song when the radio station proudly proclaims itself as classic rock station…..What?!   How can that be  classic rock? I remember when that song came out….what?! Are they implying that the music of my youth is old? ….what?!….that would make me old….NOOOOOO!

(I think it was this screaming that woke me up)

That wasn’t the first time nor the last that society has tried to point out to me that I am no spring chicken anymore…this bothers me….another thing that bothers me more than anything is my generation’s acceptance of this “old” label.

It seems that a lot of people my age are in too much of a hurry to be old they do seem like a bunch of old people–I can’t help but notice this.

It is a sickness how rapidly they embrace…….eeek….Nostalga!

I hate to say it….

I do admit however it can get tough to fight off that sick and pathetic nostalgia that tries to knock on the door of my conscious mind.  I’ve seen it in others before. I watched the generation before me: The baby boomers embrace nostalgia like nobody’s business. Ka-ching Ka-ching. I enjoyed feeling smugly superior. I guess the kind of smug superiority that comes with the flush of youth and ignorance.

I’ve also watched how the boomers have looked age square in the face and said: “Not me, not yet.” I have always admired spunky older people.

I just have never seen myself as becoming one of those spunky older people…

I know I’m repeating myself when I say this, I guess old people do that, but I don’t feel old.  I do feel the privilege of experience, I remember a fair bit of history and I feel more solid and sure of myself. I am more realistic; life has stung me a few times but I appreciate a whole lot more and I’d like to think that I’m a much kinder and compassionate person in my “old age”

In fact I have never felt better. I hate to brag but I am in the best shape of my life, mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel on top of my game. I also am at a crossroads. In a sort of in-between time. I am in a state of flux and in a transition and for the first time I don’t know what I’m transitioning into. I surprise myself daily. That I am writing this amazes me…

I came across the definition of a mid-life crisis that I thought…interesting..

“A midlife crisis is experienced by many people during the midlife transition when they realize that life may be more than halfway over. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance.”

                                                          YIKES!

THAT sounds a tad too familar…so what am I to do?

 

I’m gonna’ crank up that Classic Rock station, dig out my old leather jacket, put some purple dye in my hair and fight fight fight all the way baby!

-Strawberryindigo.

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Related Middle Articles

The Middle by Jimmy Eat World (You Tube)

Diary of a Middle Age Man: 12.2.12 (smallsteps2health.wordpress.com)

Apes have midlife crises too (cbsnews.com)

Study: Hairless, Middle-Aged Apes Still Middle-Aged Apes (motherjones.com)

Suicide By Hanging/Suffocation Doubles In Middle-Aged Men And Women (medicalnewstoday.com)

Mugwumps and Lexicons

“I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you’ve probably misunderstood what I’ve said.”
Alan Greenspan

I have been endeavoring as of late to expand my vocabulary.  After writing over one hundred posts I am coming to a point in the road where I keep bumping into the same words over and over and I am discovering what my regular readers probably have already observed: my vocabulary is limited, quite limited and if I keep using the same words as “quite” and “great” all the time will never be great and that is quite true.

I find I have ideas that are of a certain nature or complexity to where it is difficult to convey them with my limitations. I liken this to an artist who paints with only a limited palate. The world is much too colorful to interpret with my measly set of 12 childhood watercolors.

I am mostly self-taught. I didn’t pay much attention in school the few times I went to class.  I graduated by being a really good test taker. I thought I was clever at the time. I know how much I missed out…

I’ve made up for my lack of formalized education with a lot of unformalized education. I have consumed many books on many subjects over a twenty year span, mostly non fiction with some Sci-Fi as a sort of side dressing. I think this has helped and hindered me as a writer. I have learned an array of knowledge in a wide variety of subjects. I have never been forced to pick just one field of study; I have gone merrily on my way with only my insatiable curiosity as a guide. I believe this gives me a unique overview that helps me see the bigger picture of everything and how it’s all connected.

However, non-fiction books can get pretty dry, their writers do not usually use extra words. Most are attempting to explain technical issues and many are learned people with umpteen degrees.  It is the rare gem of a writer that can convey reams of information with the style and grace of a talented wordsmith.

Although life has forced me to read a few of the “Classics”, I have generally avoided them like the plague.

The few literary influences I do have: Shakespeare, Seuss and Poe do make for an interesting mix but beyond my inventing of them, I need new words. I am bored with myself and need a shake up.

I’ve been reading word power books and the like, finding the odd tasty morsel here and there. I don’t have to tell any reader of the English language that there are a lot of odd words. I am earnest and I am learning. (I can feel my vocabulary swelling as I write this.)

I am no Logophobe and I am embracing my new-found Lexicology with an ebullience that is so ebullient that I am close to exploding with new words that I cannot wait to use!

Words such as mundungus, muzhik and mugwump!  And other beauties such as musth and moxibustion!  My mind is swimming with new shades and hues.

Just how I will fit bad-smelling tobacco, Russian peasants and a great man with a Chinese method of treating various conditions by burning an herbal mixture on parts of the body together with a male elephant or camel in a state of frenzy, is beyond me at the moment, but I’m sure it could make for some interesting but, perhaps confusing reading.

“Take two, they’re small…”

I would elucidate, however; it is not unambiguous to me. I beseech you, please do not cachinnate at my personage.

As long as everyone is on board with that…

This reminds me of a colorful character:  Federal Reserve Board chair Alan Greenspan and his famous, or should I say infamous “Greenspeak“ a carefully rehearsed cryptic language described as an “indecipherable, Delphic dialect” and ” a turgid dialect of English” that makes intentionally wordy, vague, and ambiguous statements.

“… And so you construct what we used to call Fed-speak….I would catch myself in the middle of a sentence. Then, instead of just stopping, I would continue on resolving the sentence in some obscure way which made it incomprehensible. But nobody was quite sure I wasn’t saying something profound when I wasn’t…”

♦

(Greenspan in an interview with BusinessWeek in August 2012)

I could stand to be a little more like Greenspan, that colorful “mugwump”. I would know ALL the words and I would use every one in my quest to become the most successful writer of all time. HAHA!

(Stand back! I am mad with power, Wordpower!)

or should I say: Videte et Ego sum demens cum potestate, Verbum potentia!)

(By the way…I have also found Google translate!)

Sometimes words can get in the way of what you’re trying to say. Words can be distracting and detracting. I suppose there’s a fine line, Just like everything else.  Oh well, such is life!

Ĝis poste!

Strawberryindigo.

Related articles

• Inside The Search For 2012′s Word Of The Year (theatlanticwire.com)
• The Oracle speaks: Alan Greenspan talks utter nonsense (digbysblog.blogspot.com)
• Alan Greenspan’s Comments About The Fiscal Cliff Are Horribly Misleading And Making The Crisis Worse (businessinsider.com)

Streetmusic

Here I am in the middle of downtown Portland. The city is alive and pulsating with  creative energy and the streets are filled with happy people in a festive mood. I am one of those happy people walking in the fresh sunshine on a noticeably warm Saturday.

It is akin to a carnival atmosphere out here among the sounds of the many street musicians that have chosen this perfect day to brighten the streets with their colorful music.

I walk in time to the rhythm of the beat, jumping off one curb and onto the next. There is a man playing the buckets at the end of the block. He’s putting on a pretty good show and hamming it up for an another, obviously delighted man and his daughter. The man continues; snapping pic after pic of the Bucket Drummer as I pass by.

I head for what I call Portland’s Dysfunctional Living Room.

 If you want to find some strange very Portland events and meet some very Portland people, with a liberal smattering of bewildered tourists, visit Pioneer Square. (It also has a thriving Starbucks by the way, if anyone is interested)

Today a band of teens backed up by giant refrigerators are setting up for what I imagine will be very cool display of teen angst pop accompanied by huge containers of milk. I wish I could stay but I must move on. I make a mental note to return to the Starbucks on the corner later but now I have important business.

I am on my way to The Portland Farmers Market to take in the good food and the fantastic atmosphere under the late summer trees at Portland State University.

It is a lively place with lots of beautiful food and a vast array of impromptu concerts in the park to keep one entertained.

These guys played some wicked bluegrass and I had to stop and snap some shots. They had CD’s for sale, I silently wished them luck and headed towards the glorious food.

l enjoy perusing fresh healthy food out in the open air with lots of friendly people around. Add trees and music to the scene and I am as content as can be. There is something about fruits and vegetables in the sun: the way they smell. The colors can be intoxicating as well and I cannot help but be in a good mood by this.

There is music everywhere! In addition to the market stage there are at least half a dozen acts playing sweet music under the trees in this lovely park on this lovely day in late September.

lt was all good and made a pleasant day even so much more so. I decided at that point that even good things must come to an end, besides it was getting close to closing time and I was looking to mainline some caffeine. I made my way back to the Starbucks, I ordered a tall one and sat outside near the front steps on a bench facing Nordstrom.

I like to people watch and this is an excellent location. I just sat there and took in the atmosphere…

…I did not notice at first. It was as if he just suddenly appeared.  On an empty street corner in front of the Nordstrom and there he was: in a faded and rumpled raincoat, playing on a ragged double bass , strings askew, bow clutched tight. His hair; long, blonde and dirty hanging in matted clumps partially obscuring his face which seemed remarkably unlined. His eyes were closed in deep concentration; each note was deeply felt , I could see it on his face.

The music was beautiful. Funny, I don’t remember the tune. It was classical and I recall it being familiar but that’s all. I do remember the sound. It was clear and sharp and amazingly beautiful. I don’t know how he got such a delicate sound from such a shoddy instrument but he did.

A crowd had formed around him. Maybe 10 or 12 people, each person with the same awestruck look. On another day, each one of us would have passed him by, not giving a moment’s notice to the rumpled and forgotten man huddled behind the bus stop or in some shadowy forgotten doorway.Homeless, probably mentally ill and alone, he had this one gift. This wonderful gift of music. It was likely he didn’t have much else, but he had this one thing and there he was sharing it with whomever would listen.

He played for what seemed like several minutes then stopped abruptly. He never asked for spare change. He had no sign displayed or an empty musical case as many of the street performers had. He had nothing and he asked for nothing.  We watched in silence as he stood up, picked up his instrument and his rickety stool and slowly made his way up the street never once looking back.

I never thought to take his picture. I had been snapping them all day but for some reason I didn’t think to snap his. I guess I thought it would disrupt the moment, that I might have angered him and sent him into a rage. I don’t know. I sound like a chicken but I bet I echo what others were thinking.

“Stay away from the crazy homeless person.”

No matter how beautiful his music may be. No matter that he awestruck a small crowd across the street from Portland’s Living Room.  No matter how his melodies brought tears to my eyes. No matter. He was a crazy street person and I like everyone else will just try to stay out of his way and pretend that he’s no there. I feel bad for thinking this…

I finish my tall black coffee and head out the door. Another has taken the place of the raincoated man. Must be a prime spot.

The new guy seems much more approachable but has yet to draw a crowd. That does not stop him from playing his heart out. I am moved by his pluck, so much so that I gather up some of my own and strike up a conversation with him. Being a shy socially awkward wannabe writer this is amazing and I am rewarded with a story and a song.

Ryan has been playing on the streets of Portland for 2 weeks. He loves it here but is surprised and a bit daunted by the skill level and sheer numbers of his competition. He too has a CD for sale and a blog…this surprises me.  I guess everyone has one these days. If you want to visit Ryan his blog is 16-dollars-a-day.bogspot.com.

Strawberryindigo.

“Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”

Berthold  Auerbach

In Search of Good News

I have been finding myself in deep thought as of late. Time has slowed down for me and that has given ample time for refection. At first this made me depressed, as life has been throwing some major curveballs that have been hitting me right in the face. As I looked around I found more and more depressed people…angry people, the worn out and the frightened. This only confirmed my suspicions that the world is going to hell and really anyone can see that. Some even think the end is coming. It certainly does appear that way…while I don’t think the end is near, I do think it is changing…and fast.

I think it can be unsettling to people…the conditions of the world today; the world at large and the world right down the street. It is overwhelming and it overwhelms. I don’t need to list it all here, besides being a significant undertaking it just spreads the contagion.

Contagion

Yes, I do think it’s a contagion, this crazy despair. The media feeds it with sensationalism. I can’t blame them, that is what they do and I suppose they are doing a fair job of distracting us from what’s really important…and there is much to be distracted by.

I feel a prevading sense of desperation…and fear in the air. It seems people on the whole are less hopeful for the future. It takes effort not to get caught up in it.  Is this how it feels to live in a civilization that’s in decline?

This I cannot accept….I feel the helplessness, the creeping unease, the feeling that you are in a boat with a hole in it and you better start bailing before the water gets any higher.  There are a good many souls on this boat, this “ship of fools”. And while we point the finger at each other and squabble over nonsense, the ship is going down. We know it….we can feel it sinking…we can see the now blatant obvious signs.

I want to hide in my garden, among the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and think lovely thoughts…I want to write beautiful words and pour my soul out on paper but the unease grows.

I pace and look out the window and a million ideas run through my mind; the good….the bad …and everything in between …. I try to record them all but they spill out into a pile on the floor and it becomes hard to focus.

Until I write and write and write. This unease disappears and I feel that in my own miniscule little way I am doing something.

I have been talking to people, some very smart people and I have been given all sorts of advice but one piece has struck a chord in me. At first it seemed so simple but as my mind ruminated on it the more I came to understand the deeper aspects.

I complain about the media and spreading the contagion of negativity and sensationalism.  I lament: “Where is all the good news?” Surely there are people out there doing good things…somewhere.   I ask, and rather loudly: ”Why aren’t we hearing about good news?”  It can get depressing to hear all this doom and gloom…

And as I lament, a wise person mentions that in some small (very small) way that I, strawberryindigo, the blogger, am a part of this same media that I, Nancy, the person complains about and then she asks me:

 ”Where is your good news?”

This has permeated me ever since…

…And it was there  that I stopped. That was about 3 months ago. I stopped because I was literally stopped in my tracks. This revelation set me back and it was this that told me to abandon everything I had written and focus on some happiness instead. It is easy to share one’s despair but it takes work to share happiness especially when you are not happy yourself. The world is unhappy enough for me to add my misery so, I chose not to finish or publish the above words at that time.

…and really, I didn’t have an answer…I still don’t in all honesty…but I’m looking all the time and I’m finding that sometimes it’s not the world that’s the trouble, it’s the way I’m looking at it.  I lament: where is the good news? where can I find this mythical land of good news.. and then like a flash of lighting it hits me.

It’s been here all along.  The good news is everywhere. It is all around.  I just needed to open my eyes…

 I found the following quote:

“Do your little bit of good where you are; its those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.”
Desmond Tutu

Inspiring words to be sure. Simple and true and sometimes forgotten. I guess I needed reminding…

Goodness can come in many shapes and sizes and good can come from the oddest of places. I am finding the more I look for it,  the more I see. 

What I am finding so amazing is that this goodness typically starts out small, so small and slight that most of the time it goes unnoticed. These seemingly small gestures we do for each other from time to time, tiny interactions between strangers… there’s magic in these tiny incidents. This grows and spreads like a contagion.  We hardly ever hear of these small incidents of good, they are not sensational or exciting. Mostly they are mundane and seemingly unimportant but they can be quite beautiful.

All are important and important enough, in my opinion to acknowledge and tell others about it. This is the stuff of inspiration, this is the good news that I seek.

From time to time I will be sharing pieces of good news; real life stories from inspirational people I meet or hear about. I will be sharing with you happenings and events, tiny miracles and good things as I try to do a little spreading of my own.

                                            

 I have come to appreciate simple acts of kindness more and more.  I have found that we all need some kindness now and then, and in places we’d never expect we’d be. I am impressed by this sort of thing and I believe it is good news that needs to be shared.

♥      ♥      ♥      ♥      ♥      ♥      ♥      ♥      ♥      ♥      ♥

Have any good news to share? Please let me know, better yet write a post about it and let others know too. Let’s spread some good news!

Peace and Happiness to YOU

Strawberryindigo.

GREAT

GREAT WALL of China
Credit: pingnews

“Because of a great love, one is courageous.”

Lao Tzu

Have you ever been stuck on a word? Have you ever used one particular word so frequently that it caused you any worry? Have strangers mocked you using that word in a public place?  If you have answered any of these questions with the word Yes, you must be like me and I am not so alone in my cheap and tawdry word addiction.

I’ll admit it right here and now. I will shout it to the rooftops…” I am Strawberryindigo and I am a wordaholic–my tonic of choice, my vice, the object of my obsession: the word “GREAT”

HAHA…  It is probably of no surprise to you; my overuse and abuse of the word.   It litters my posts and certainly my comments. You are so very nice not to mention this. You may have asked yourself at one time or another…How many times can one person say “Great Post”?

I’ll admit and everyone knows that Great is a great word. (That is why it is called that, duh) If there is any word to over depend on it is this word, this great word. It is positive and it is versatile. To me it sounds strong and certain of it’s place in the whole scheme of things.

I can’t help but think  too much of a good thing (or great word can be just that: too much.

GREAT WHITE SHARK
Image by © David Fleetham/Visuals Unlimited/Corbis

I know what you’re thinking right now… How can I be so impossibly brave? I ask myself that too. Perhaps it is the writer in me yearning to break free of the confines of convention? Maybe I grow bored with my limited palate of words? It could be that if I am to be any kind of writer at all I must extend my vocabulary.  Great just isn’t cutting it.

So I am asking you a favor…Please if you see me or hear me use that word–you know the word–THAT word, let me know in no uncertain terms that I am being a weak overdependent hack. Tell me this, I deserve it. We will all be better off this way.

Besides…

GREAT SMOKY MOUNTAINS

There are so many words I can use instead: Words such as…

abundant, ample, big, big league, bulky, bull, colossal, considerable, decided, enormous, excessive, extended, extensive, extravagant, extreme, fat, gigantic, grievous, high, huge, humongous, husky, immense, inordinate, jumbo, lengthy, long, major league, mammoth, mondo, numerous, oversize, prodigious, prolonged, pronounced, protracted, strong, stupendous, terrible, titanic, towering, tremendous, vast, voluminousable, absolute, aces, adept, admirable, adroit, awesome, bad*, best, brutal, cold*, complete, consummate, crack*, downright, dynamite, egregious, exceptional, expert, fab, fantastic, fine, first-class*, first-rate, good, heavy*, hellacious, marvelous, masterly, number one, out of sight, out of this world, out-and-out, perfect, positive, proficient, super-duper, surpassing, terrific, total, tough, transcendent, tremendous, unmitigated, unqualified, utter, wonderful GREAT PYRAMID OF GIZA

WISHING YOU AN UTTERLY SUPER-DUPER DOWNRIGHT EXCEPTIONAL DAY!!!

Strawberryindigo.

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