Angry

For the past week or so I have been blocked. An idea has run rampant in my writing mind but it is more than an idea. It’s a feeling, an emotion. It’s basic, it’s primal and it’s powerful.

Every time as of late when I sit down to write, it has been extremely difficult for me. 
 I start with a certain tone that feels right at the time; I’m tap, tap, tapping along and then…Wham, it all turns oh so negative and very angry.

I try to put a positive spin on what I write for the most part. Sure, my indigo bleeds through once in a while but it seems my moody indigo has turned a dark angry red.

I am not the angry type.  I don’t typically hang on to emotional “baggage” or hold grudges. I am a mild-mannered even-tempered peaceful person. Anger hurts. I am  sensitive, probably more than I should be but I do have a conscious and a strong streak of justice runs deep in me. This is how my inward leaning and quiet nature can sometimes flip on a dime on a perceived injustice and suddenly this little kitten can rage with the roar of a thousand lions.

Right now that roar is in an uproar. I don’t want to feel this way and it probably would be wiser to just keep silent on my feelings and thoughts on the subject of my ire. But there is something in me that won’t or can’t keep silent. I guess this is why I write.

I must speak, or write the truth as I see it and the truth is; I’m angry, damned angry.  I feel cheated and duped…and afraid.

Afraid of how my country is evolving or devolving, afraid of what the world is becoming. Afraid for the planet and the people and what’s to become of us all.  I ask myself what kind of world we are going to leave our children and future generations?

How will this all be explained? What could be possibly said? That greed controlled the world and money meant more than people. That our government was weak and the economy went south as we all sat back like good little citizens; distracted by the puppet show. Spending and getting into an endless cycle of debt to feed the banks, paying our taxes to fund wars and the killing of innocent people, falling for sound bites, clever ad schemes and catch phrases.

I fell for it all: the American Dream bullshit just as many others.  Being a child of immigrants I perhaps took this a bit more seriously, this American thing.  This once true story of people working hard, learning and growing, making a life for themselves and their children. Saving money, buying a house, sending their kids off to college;  the next generation having a better life than the one before it.

It seems this dream is dying, some would say it’s already half dead. It’s hard not to be discouraged sometimes, angry sometimes. I admit I’ve been lucky in life and have lived a bit isolated from reality, sheltered from true hardship. It’s easy to pontificate and elaborate and say I’m with you, you 99%!  And watch from the comfort of my nice mortgaged home and see all these people lose their homes and life savings.

I think it becomes easier to be angry when it hits close to your home.

It is easy to become bewildered and lost a bit. This I know.  I know a little more now and I understand how the 99% feels, especially the vocal minority of which I guess, I’ve just joined the ranks of.

My point in all this? I don’t really know. Maybe there’s an upside to all this I have yet to find. Maybe It’s an explanation of why this blog has become so dark as of late. Maybe it’s my way of saying this is temporary and it’s a phase that I must go through so please bear with me.

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”

Still a bit angry but hopeful…thanks for listening.

Strawberryindigo.

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33 thoughts on “Angry

  1. You are not alone int this journey through difficult times… But don’t fuel the fire of anger.. Now that you’ve expressed it( a good thing), let it go and turn your attention back to the things that uplift and empower you… It is the only way to healing ourselves and moving forward… TY for this and I’m glad to have found it today. 😉

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  2. Fantastic post and all I can say is that when it comes to feeling disillusioned and let down by the world, you are definitely not alone. Thank you for giving a voice to some very real concerns.

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  3. Wow. This post was deep, detailed and it sort of had a pensive tone along some lines. I hope everything is good at this point in time 🙂 Take care- Camgal

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  4. Pingback: Life goes on « Being Invisible

  5. There’s a lot to be angry about, and sometimes you do just have to let it out, so your heart can unfreeze and take the next steps towards giving our love to this crazy world and aching planet. All the colors of the rainbow are good and necessary to make white light.

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  6. We are all made up of yin and yang, therefore, we can never be all positive, all happy, all energetic. It’s healthy to be feeling the ‘darker’ emotions and there is nothing wrong with that. I hope that you flow through them with grace and acceptance. After all, that is the best way to get through them 🙂

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    • Hi Love out loud: Being an artistic type I totally get where you are coming from. Just writing out my feelings in that post helped and is leading to something positive. Thanks for your support. 🙂

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  7. My first thought was “Is she pregnant?” because it was a time I really worried about our country, the world and what seems to me like a societal hardening of the heart. Not that these issues are not always current and understandable. I too get overwhelmed at times because I can’t see the way out or through these dilemmas. Then I breathe and do the best I can. About the rules of blogging- first you don’t owe us a positive spin all the time, I would rather hear what you are really thinking. Hugs to you

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    • Hi Mae: I’m not pregnant but I am in a transitional phase. Thanks for the sympathy and the support. I can tell you are a nice person. I’m learning and I’m growing right now and sometimes that does not go smoothly but everything will turn out OK in the end. 🙂

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  8. Oh, Sweetie. I hear you. I’ve been feeling so many extremes of emotions I am not used to. And you, dear, are soooo senstiive like me, that you’re likely overwhelmed from the universe. 2012 is a whammy for reliving our old stuff and getting in touch with feelings we didn’t know we carried or still had. Super HUGE hugs…..sigh….so hard right now for so many. Love you bunches you beauty. Love how your soul comes through in your photos and words. Sam 🙂 I will bear with you! No troubles with that.

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  9. I understand your anger and frustration. There seems so little that can be done in the face of corporate and personal greed, personal lack of accountability. But we can fight back. Individuals can make a difference. I can bake a cake for our new neighbours. I can spend an hour or so talking to the elderly lady who lives nearby. I can donate some money to the charity group that delivers meals to every night to kids who live in poor areas, I can recycle … I can take time to think about everything you have written … I can take some of your points and work out what else I can do as an individual. Thanks for your post. It’s made me think.

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  10. It is so utterly frustrating to feel like you can’t make a difference in all the ugly things that seem to be happening, but I think the previous two comments summed it up pretty well. We do seem to have gone off the rails in so many ways, but I think part of the problem is that we don’t hear so much about the movements that don’t get the spotlight. Those of us who truly still care can’t give up in despair or we are truly screwed. It might indeed help as Beth (Farm) has suggested to focus on what can be done locally or in whatever way you can become involved personally. Focusing on what the media feeds us can be very bad for your mental health. 😉

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    • Thanks Gunta: Your sympathy helps. I totally agree about the media and one’s mental health. I had to give up watching the news a few years ago…it’s all bad. I think there is a lot of good around, like people getting together locally to do good things. I am proud to say my city of Portland is involved in a lot of good things. The atmosphere is progresssive and I like that. I am hopeful. 🙂

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  11. I HAVE noticed a slight shadow recently Strawberryindigo.
    I understand your fear… and anger. I think we need to focus on the small positive things – the good people around us, and their deeds. There IS so much good on a small scale that is hardly noticed until we search… And every droplet of effort to change things will one day add up to a whole ocean. I hope you find something soon that will swing your mood around. 😉

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    • Hi Cathy: Thank you for your kind and hopeful words. I appreciate them and you very much. You have shown much kindness to me over these months we’ve been visiting each other’s blogs. I can tell that you are a very special person and I am very glad to know you. I am finding much to be thankful for and I am realising that I just need to maybe not fret so much and live in the moment and take life as it comes.
      I’m a bit sensitive, but mostly I’m a happy sort…I’ll be cheering up in no time….flowers help and gardening too. 🙂

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  12. As I am getting older I think I am beginning to sound more like my parents…..I am personally dismayed by the people who will not take responsibility for their decisions and actions…that asinine court case with the hot McDonald’s coffee was perhaps the turning point where people decided they could do what they want without owning it. No planning for retirement. No putting aside personal laziness to help their children improve. No thinking about how to make a better future, even if only for themselves and their loved ones. Perhaps not loving, but only acting on lust. So many….yeah, it is easy to get stuck in the mire.
    But then I see a small but very dedicated group of active people building a fresh farm market in our town, I see farmers working other jobs to support their family while also working their farms to produce healthy food choices, I hear the voices band together to sing in community choirs and I see art on display once a month in our downtown area, helping bring people back to the center in the evening. The spark is there….and needs to be fanned.
    People who chose to sit at home, not get involved and then complain are not understanding how an hour or two of their time, doing something they enjoy, can make a tremendous difference.

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    • Hi Farm: I am buoyed by what you say. Thank you. It does the heart good to know that others care about this world of ours. I think farmers are a special breed and a HUGE part of the solution to our problems.

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