A Heartfelt THANK YOU!

festive christmas

Christmas is almost upon us and I feel this is the perfect opportunity to extend a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has liked my work, especially those of you who have graced my blog with your intelligent comments. Your feedback has been invaluable to me.

I am blessed to have such an amazing array of regular visitors from all over the world. I have learned so much from your wisdom and thoughtfulness. You have welcomed me with open arms and open minds and I am so fortunate to know you.

When I started this blog back in August of 2011 I was desperate and alone; friendless and misunderstood, you befriended and understood me. I have learned I can be myself here. That is very precious to me as I am a sensitive soul who has hidden this aspect of myself for as long as I can remember.

I had just learned of my Asperger’s and that set the tumblers in motion that has brought me here today: pouring my soul out in words that I wouldn’t dare to say to myself or even acknowledge, let alone write down for the whole world to see.

Because I hid from the world, alone in the shadows, afraid of everything…even people. Yes, I admit it here and now to you that most of my entire life I have been afraid of people; afraid to show my strange self to anyone, not even those closest to me.

I spent a good many years in an alcoholic daze “brave-facing” the world with a drunken defiant smile all the while hiding myself behind a hard steel wall of my own creation. It wasn’t until I discovered my Asperger’s that it finally dawned that I didn’t have to be alone anymore. This started my writing, first on a small blog on an Asperger’s website then a few months later in this blog. I choose the name “My Life in Color” because at the time I thought that I would write solely about my life on the spectrum to give others a chance to perhaps understand someone like me because I wanted/needed desperately to be understood.  I was ashamed of this and embarrassed that I didn’t have any real friends just drinking buddies who never knew me because I never let them. I never let anyone know me, even my own family.

It was the fear I hid behind: The fear of rejection, of ridicule, of others knowing what was really going on inside of me; how different I was. I hardly ever spoke to anyone.  I just kept writing in my little notebooks and reading and learning. Words were my friends, you see and I knew somewhere deep down in my buried heart that words would someday save me–if I would only have to courage to let those words see the light of day.

But I lacked the confidence, until only recently I had no confidence at all or courage or anything of merit.  I just existed and waited for what…I didn’t know, but I do know now. I waited for this; for a chance to be myself: hidden behind a facade of a fake name and the belief that no one would be reading my stuff anyway. The first month or so no one did, not many anyway, but one by one you came and you told me good things about me. You told me I was a good writer. You encouraged me.  You understood me and you didn’t laugh at me or make me feel small. I don’t know why, but you kept coming and reading and commenting. Some of you for everything I wrote–everything.  You didn’t mind that it sometimes takes me many days to return your comments. You didn’t mind if I didn’t make it to your sites all the time.  You just kept returning and as the months came and went some of you called me friend and then after a while I had to courage to call you friend because I’ve learned about friendship from you and this is spilling out into my offline life. I have the courage now; the courage to look others in the eye and smile and say “I’m really glad to see you” and really mean it. This is because of you my friends.  You saw something in me that I could never see before and I cannot truly convey how much I appreciate this.

This is like magic to me and now because of you and your kindness and acceptance of me I can finally see beyond myself to you and to others.  I have found that I am not so different after all and there are many people in the world who too are alone, even in a crowd as I was. There are a great many people who just want to be understood and to hear someone say ” I care and you matter”

It means so much to me when you say I’ve brightened your day or made you think or smile or even laugh. I didn’t know I could be funny. I didn’t know I could be anything or anyone at all.

You my friends have given me this gift and what a precious one it is, more valuable than gold and it is a gift that keeps on giving because if there is anything I do in this life it will be paying this gift back to anyone and everyone that needs it….and there are so many and I think really, sometimes we all do.

This desire goes beyond my dream to become a writer someday, this silly pipe dream to become the next J.K Rowling. That is nothing. Money is nothing. Notoriety is nothing. I am not alone anymore and that is something and that is because of you!

You have saved me and that is why I am thanking you.

nancy with caffeine another copy

Thank you my friends and HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Nancy

Mario wishes you a happy hoilday too!

Mario wishes you a happy holiday too!

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32 thoughts on “A Heartfelt THANK YOU!

  1. Dear Nancy,
    I wept as I read this post. On the surface I may seems to be tough stuff but underneath I’m not. You are a courageous and creative person whose light shines in the darkness. Your blog has been a special place for me and I’m hugging your across the many miles between us. Thank you for brightening my days throughout this last year. Shine on in 2013.

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  2. I really do come here and after reading this post no doubt in my mind that this truely is a heartfelt thanks.Well,I will say thanks a million too because your post has been inspiring.Merry Christmas and a prosperous New year. 🙂

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  3. This is such a moving post Nancy, so beautifully written because it comes from your heart. I feel we are often on the same wavelength and consider you a real friend. Strange really, since we barely know each other, but there are some people in the world who simply touch another soul and connect. You are one of these special people. I look forward to your colourful posts, with your unique wit and lovely photos. And I really hope your confidence will continue to grow and that the new year will allow you to spread your wings. Thank YOU Strawberryindigo, for all the wonderful posts of 2012! Love and hugs!

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  4. The strength comes not from the outside environment but comes from inside – they just need to let out in the open air so the strength can flourish and grow – you do it very well, doing a great job – and I really enjoy visiting your blog – Happy Holiday to You and Yours… 🙂 🙂 😉

    Le Drake Noir… 😉

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  5. How wonderful Nancy to have read this. May today and every day that follows be for you blessed days of happiness and may your pipe dream of writing that book become a reality. I will admit my eyes watered a bit when I read this post. Go well and go forth with love.

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  6. Awww…. Nancy, this truly touched me. Who knew you were hiding your beauty away like you described. I’m so glad I discovered you through this blog and I am hoping to have you show me around your Portland one of these days. I have visions of us roaming with our cameras having great, good fun.
    Wishing you and yours the very best of holidays!!! (from me and Sissy!)

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    • Hey Gunta: Thank you for your kindness. I would LOVE to show you around this crazy town! We could shake things up around here…I have a new camera and it needs airing out…come to think to it, I may need some airing out too.
      I hope Sissy and you had a good holiday! 🙂 See you around our little virtual world…

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