A Non Writing Writer

 

“A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.”
~Franz Kafka

 

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How can I call myself a writer? I ask myself as I skip past my blog (this one) and head straight on to Facebook for a healthy helping of scrabble, inspirational gobbledygook, silliness and chat.  This has become a pattern as of late; a pastime I engage in to distract myself from the reality that I am a writer that is not writing.

I am stuck. Jumbled is the best way I can describe it.  A million thoughts vie for my attention; some are glorious, some are grand, some are damn insecure and most are unfinished. Just like my writing–just like me.

Time is a funny thing; when I was younger it seemed to be there was so much of it.  I couldn’t wait for it to pass so I could do this or that. There was an abundance of time and I could afford to waste it. So I did….and then life gets in the way…funny again how  THAT happens and so here we are and here I am in my mid forties and what have I done?  Not a whole hell of a lot…

 

…for myself anyway…for my dreams and my hopes. There was always someone first. This is not unusual. It is the reality of being a parent; sometimes your dreams have to rest on the back burner for a while. I understand that and I embraced the hell out of it, spending many years as a stay-at-home mom. You never ever get that time back and I am glad I was able to do it but this has set me back career-wise quite a bit.

 

I always thought in the back of my mind that writing would “save” me someday; from the reality…the drudgery of every day life…writing has always been my salvation.

I have spent countless hours alone; just me with pen and paper. I would pour my heart and soul out and never dare show anyone what I had  written. Writing was my only confidant, my only true friend. Every hurt…and every joy and everything in between was  recorded in one way or another.

I have grown dependent on this mode of expression to get my feelings out. It is like breathing to me and when I don’t write I slowly suffocate…

Once in a while I get blocked. We all do. Many, I think run out of ideas on what to write, this has never been a problem for me… quite the opposite.  I can think of a million things to write. My brain is like a radio receiver and most of the time I can pick up one station at a time and focus. This is the perfect spot for me; I am in “the zone” and at my most  happiest.
On rare occasions it’s as if all the stations are on at the same time. I can’t focus on just one.  I’ve learned not to worry at this point. I’ve been here before and I have learned just to walk away and do something else.

The words cannot be forced and neither can my passion. I have to be passionate about whatever I write or really what is the point? I am finding out. I must be true to myself and my convictions. I cannot sugarcoat my feelings or concentrate my focus on silly feel-good trite. I must speak my mind and not worry about upsetting someone.

I have been guilty of all of the above…and life is too damn short for this.

 

It is almost midnight. The back door is open and a cool breeze wafts in ever so slightly, my tea is warm and I am smiling–life is pretty good.
I don’t need all the answers. I don’t need to be perfect and I don’t think anyone expects me to be. So I’m going to focus on being me a little more and not being someone else. This Strawberryindigo thing…I don’t know. I may drop the silly name and be….me; Nancy.

I can’t force this, I think I will take life as it comes for a while and see where that leads me…

 

 

 

audrey-hepburn

Where is that? I don’t know but I do know I must keep on writing. It’s like riding a bike and here I am back on the bike baby pedaling like crazy.

I have missed you all here in the blogosphere. I feel like a kid who has been out of school for an extended absence and now I am back. I am out on the playground and it feels good to be here!

 

Nancy

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“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.” 
~Charles Bukowski

 

 

 

PS:  Whoever sent me the Kafka quote. Thanks for the reminder. I needed it.  I want you to know that it is one of my favorites and so are you!

 

woman_typing_vintage

 

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27 thoughts on “A Non Writing Writer

  1. Nancy, I SO understand. And you’ve said it well. I also have been pretty much MIA in the blogosphere the past three or four months. My book came out, and I’ve been trying to publicize that, and then I’ve been interacting a lot with Facebook. Yeah, fun and affirming. Then I signed up for Twitter and am trying somehow to tame that beast. Someone said that social media can overwhelm writers, and that you just need to shut it down for a while and write. But when I get offline for even two or three days, I can hardly catch back up. It’s worse than dishes or housekeeping.
    And I do think that “passion” is over-rated as a writing stimulus. Ideas and discipline can ultimately engender deeper insights and feelings. I’m not even sure I know what passion is. Whenever I’ve experienced it, it’s almost always been deceptive or destructive! 😉

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    • Hello Joanne. I can see how Facebook can get overwhelming. It is like junk food for the mind…and we are what we eat. I wish I could lock myself in a room for a month with no distractions and responsibilities and just write like crazy but…alas that is not to be for now.
      Good luck with the book. I wish you success.
      Discipline is something I lack, passion I have in spades. Perhaps I need some balance…hmmm…points to ponder… 🙂

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  2. Nancy; maybe you need to tweak your theme… color is the main theme… how is color used, liked, needed, fun, useful, best known… etc.

    I know finding the truth being a theme gives me too much to write about – so, I post video and became a curator… 🙂 It’s all good – see, actually I end up with lots to post but I still avoid writing.

    Blessings…
    ~ Eric

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  3. Oh Nancy, I so understand. I finally was able to write a post a couple of weeks ago, and that one seems to be the only one that is going to come out for a while. I am barely connecting with blogs at all. Your post is the first one I’ve read since before I went to London. Somewhat like you, there’s lots for me to say, but the mental border collies who could herd all these random thoughts and feelings into complete sentences and coherent paragraphs seem to have all gone on walkabout. I guess we both have to trust the process and have faith that the words and the writing will return. I am glad to know that you are still in our blogworld. Janet

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    • Hey Janet, so good to hear from you. It seems we are both traveling along similar wavelengths. All this muck sticking to me is, I think, good in the end. I am emerging at this very moment and I hope am all the better for it. There is lots to say but life gets in the way. A writer needs to experience life and it sounds like that is just what you are doing. My best to you my friend. I am glad you are still around as well. ❤ Nancy

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  4. Hey Nancy, good to hear from you! I’ve been missing your posts and hope the writer’s block dissolves soon and the thoughts start to get focused again. Hope all’s well dear friend! xx

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  5. I have missed you, and I am glad to see you are back. And I have no doubt you will sort the amswers in time that you need. I have been hectic too so writing has been on the back burner, but I am doing what I can, what I must because Kafka is right.
    Whatever your moniker, there is a writer who does write. Resist the blue world (that is what my friend calls Facebook), it is easy to be lulled into a kind of sleep there it seems. Again, great seeing you here 🙂

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    • Hello Niaarryn, it’s good to be back . I missed you too and will be paying a visit to you soon. Yes. we can only do what we can do…Kafka is right and I think everyone around my house is breathing a sigh of relief because I am back at it and life has returned to it’s usual calm.
      I love that: The blue world. Yes it is a lure as I have so many friends there and we entertain ourselves with silliness. But you are right about being lulled to sleep..well I am awake now and it is a beautiful morning! 🙂 Sunshine in your hands

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  6. Thank you for the inspiring post, Nancy! I don’t need all the answers. I don’t need to be perfect and I don’t think anyone expects me to be — that is a total freedom. 🙂

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