I haven’t written much about being on the Autism Spectrum. I’ve delegated that “discovered” part of me to the background, contained here and there in hints and asides and tiny blurbs on social media. Few people in my daily life actually know much about me at all. I let very few into my world.
One could say that I have “passed” as an N.T. or Neurotypical; those who are deemed “normal” by society. I have been able to pass under the radar probably due to my generation and that I am female. There are many of us out there. We without an official diagnosis. We that have practiced being just like we thought everyone expected us to be.
It’s not easy and I have fallen short. I have wondered why I have tried so hard to fit in. It is lonely enough being one’s unique and misunderstood self but another degree of lonely trying to be someone you are not.
I have been blogging for a few years and I have preached about loving yourself and being yourself and all the beautiful magic in that. I have dispensed this sugary drink without sipping it myself. I am guilty of being something I hate, which is a hypocrite.
I have hidden to the world, even my own Mother that I am on the Autism Spectrum.
I keep my tiny victories to myself; hoarding them to savor for rainy days. I assume the world at large will not understand me. I hold a demeanor of reserve, a protective coating I have strengthened and shined it and relied upon it most of my life. It keeps the world out. It keeps me safe but in that safety, I have lost so much.
And time goes by and so I really haven’t done all these incredible things with my life. It seems that the basics have been difficult, if not almost impossible enough.
I am starting to see that I may not have all the answers and that I may need help and that often the best way to help oneself is to help others.
Maybe there truly can be a reason why I am the way I am. For the most part it is a gift; this way I experience life, from the smallest of things I experience pure joy and alternatively I can feel a deep sorrow. I hear a delicate song in the wind but the loud noises of the world make me feel pain.
I sometimes feel like a butterfly fluttering about a beautiful field of flowers, subject to the elements that tatters my wings, but yet I keep flying. In that tiny victory I have found I am stronger and more resilient than I thought I could be. Perhaps I am here with my gift for words to tell other butterflies that you too are stronger than you think you are, and yes you can because I am doing it now. Watch me fly and watch us fly together.
I am resting and revitalizing and spending precious time with my loved ones, doing fun things
and doing nothing at all (which is underrated in my opinion)
It is too easy to get caught up in he day to day…
I am grateful to have this time to think, to write and to plan for the future.
~nlm
Related and not so related articles
The costs of camouflaging autism
(Spectrumnews.org)
Why It’s Hard To Keep A Job When You Have Asperger’s
(psychcentral.com)
Someone Saved My Life Tonight – Elton John
(Youtube.com)
Life Is Color 
My guess is that anyone who knows you and encounters such courageous and heartfelt words could only increase in their admiration of you and your writing, as well as being reassured by your insightful and inspiring reports of your struggles. Facing your circumstances squarely and with bravery is laudable in the extreme and will, no doubt, will result in an increase in benefits for you as well.
While there are many writers without your specific challenges, I must report that my responses to a number of your contributions here have been profoundly emotional and given me a keen sense of kinship, in spite of having a wholly different set of circumstances to wrestle with in my writing. Your earnest efforts and open-minded and open-hearted sharing are enviable in their quality and character, and I intend to follow here to share in your efforts.
Warm regards….John H.
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I look forward to our future contacts. I am humbled by and appreciative of your warm and sincere comments. Thank you very much!!
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You have far too much empathy, dear Strawberry Indigo, to register anywhere on the Autism scale.
Hmm I am reminded of an old joke; a couple go see a doctor about their “relationship problems”, and after conducting various tests the doctor tells the wife, “I’m afraid your husband has “Asperger’s Syndrome.”
To which she replies,” Is that so? And all these years I was thinking he was just an arsehole.”
(Pardon my coarse peasant humour.)
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It is a spectrum, we are all different but similar and many of us are empathetic, painfully so I am afraid. I should write about this subject. This notion that Autistic people have no empathy or cannot feel emotions is incorrect. It is believed by good and intelligent people like yourself but it isn’t true.
We can be assholes alright, just like everyone else. Not me though, I am as sweet as can be. haha. (not always)
Thank you for your response. No need to pardon the “coarse peasant humour” it is the best kind of humor sometimes. 😀
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wow – this is so emotional and touching..I was unable to keep away my tears, dimply beautiful!!
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Thank you very much. It was emotional for me to write it.
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I am an Accessibility Specialist. I audit digital content (websites, mobile apps, electronic documents, etc.) to ensure they are accessible to people with disabilities and I work with software developers to show them how to write their code in the correct way so equal access can be achieved. The owner of the company I work for forwarded an article to me a few weeks ago about how employers are finally beginning to understand that hiring those in the Autism Spectrum benefits their company in so many great and unique ways. I could add a link to the story but a simple Google search brings many such articles to the first page of the search results.
Your post is certainly poignant and to me, inspirational. Each and every person on this planet is special, and each has struggles to overcome, regardless of what the source of the struggle is. When I work directly with someone who is blind, I understand what they must overcome, as most of my work is related to that type of disability. When I worked for a company that helps those with developmental disabilities, I gained such insight into what this misunderstood population faces each day. All of us face daily roadblocks and challenges. But for those who’s situation is mostly misunderstood by the general public, these daily obstacles are more than simply that. Each personal victory, though sometimes not able to be shared with others, is still a victory. Everyone has them. Everyone needs them. And I thank you for sharing them.
I, too, belong to a misunderstood community, and I face my challenges each and every day. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But the thing that forces me to get out of bed each day is knowing that I have the chance to get my victories in the new day ahead. Sometimes I get a little bit selfish and remind myself that I am not out to rule or change the world. I’m out there swinging so I can rule MY world. And I’ll keep swinging until the final bell. Thank you for your post!
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Hey K Dawg, Sounds like you do valuable and important work that gives back to others who are very deserving. How awesome!! I admire that big time and I hope to follow in your footsteps in some fashion in my own small way someday–tiny victory upon tiny victory.
Thanks for the response.
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My heart went out of my soul while reading this and I wanted to hug you and the entire world. I never wanted to leave that precious moment of connection.
We’re special. Those of us who admit to our peculiarities. Mine is PTSD and I accept my differences as something I might have been given through some karmic plan.
Good to see and read all about you again.
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Hello Contoveros, It is all part of the plan, I think too…I am just going with the flow and this is where it is leading. I am humbled by your words. I feel this connection as well and want to share it, in this I have succeeded. Thank you.
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A courageous post Nancy. Hope you can stretch those butterfly wings of yours further in the future! 🙂
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I am doing just that Cathy. I am about to post this post on my personal Facebook page where I am connected with lots of people who “know me in real life” I will be sort of “outing” myself, to the few that may read it anyway. It may come as a surprise to them that I am Asperger’s. We will see how it goes. I feel the need to do this.
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Good luck! And hugs! xx
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A blogger just posted this today and I think you may like it. ““Some of us aren’t meant to belong. Some of us have to turn the world upside down and shake the hell out of it until we make our own place in it.”
― Elizabeth Lowell,
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I do like it Cindy. I like it very much. Thanks!!
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