Songbirds sing a song tinged with sweet hope bidding a farewell to the dark of yesterday’s night. The sun has not yet risen but they know it will, as do I. The clouds are strewn in patches across the sky. The sky is dark blue interlaced with an even deeper indigo that outline the tall buildings which are spotted with light. It seems every third window is lit with a warm and welcoming light. Each one reminds me there is a devoted soul inside who is engaged in some early morning business. I hope they will stop if only for a moment to watch the sun rise…and rise it will, just as it always does. There is a certain comfort in that. A certain knowingness that no matter how life changes there will always be some things we can depend on.
I hear the train in the distance just as I always do. It’s arrival is marked with a melancholic anticipation. The bike riders show up at the last-minute, their blinking helmet lights announcing their arrival. It is always this way. I sip the last of my hot tea and steady myself before we board the train. It is already half filled with early morning commuters. We are all silent. There are no smiles, no revelry. Some stare out the windows, some read paperbacks and a few others steadily tap away on laptops. Many start to drift off and some are asleep as we make our way into the long dark tunnel that starts my morning journey.
I take out my little blue notebook and start to scribble, recording my thoughts and dreams and hopes and schemes. I stretch my mind and explore my imagination searching for something profound or funny, but today I find nothing. …just the remnant of a song I heard earlier and the lingering doubts I sometimes feel about myself. Writing eases the lonely hours, this act keeps me from feeling so alone. It will be this very thing that will save me…someday…this I must believe.
The sun rises as we make our way from station to station. Yes It did come, this glorious sun! This sun we knew would come. I think of the songbirds back at the station I left far behind and I think of what awaits me at my stop where I will get off. I smile a little private smile knowing that someday this will be all worthwhile as long as I can just take it day by day…
It all started with an idea. A grandiose crazy idea, some of which I am about to tell you, most of it I must keep to myself for now but suffice to say it will be my first big move into the fast paced grown-up world of freelance writing.
So I got this idea; a flash of brilliance that almost blinded my cat Mario. I was so excited by this that I started to jump up and down and instantly without thinking, I plunged my dainty hand straight into a bag of Doritos and started to consume it’s overly cheesy contents. I am a mom and I preach ad nauseam against this sort of activity but there I was munching away; my eyes ablaze waiting for MM to come through the door and then suddenly: there he was, and there I was, and then I just blurted it out: “I want you to be my manager.” I managed to stammer, eyes wide, mouth full of chips. “You’d do what you’re doing now except that you could call yourself my manager…of course, I couldn’t pay you” I added sheepishly.
As you may have guessed; he jumped at the chance! So there we were jumping up and down like lunatics in the kitchen. By then Mario, my famous cat, had darted out of the room, but we didn’t care. We were hugging and I was getting neon cheesy dust on his back and I didn’t care and he didn’t know, but that’s OK–I do all the laundry. It was an amazing moment for both of us…
… It is also amazing how a person can pump themselves up with a basically unearned and certainly at this moment in time, worthless highfalutin title. Just like that. It is at these moments that I am proud to be an American!
And that reminds me…did you know that Americans are the most narcissistic people in the world? Well…I bet you knew that but did you know that I am NOT one of these narcissistic Americans? HA! I bet you didn’t know THAT! Yes, it’s true. I was a bit curious about the subject so I started reading a book on narcissism; its fascinating stuff. The book contains a short test which I took, and to my surprise and embarrassment; I scored pretty low…so low that I think I may suffer from low self-esteem with a shot of delusional over-thinking and obvious long-windedness. Apparently just thinking I may be narcissistic may disqualify me. Well I guess I still have some work to do….
…but now I have a manager and a goal…it’s nothing to choke on your Dorito over, but it’s a start.
Wishing you a fantastic day full of big dreams and junky neon cheese!
Christmas is almost upon us and I feel this is the perfect opportunity to extend a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has liked my work, especially those of you who have graced my blog with your intelligent comments. Your feedback has been invaluable to me.
I am blessed to have such an amazing array of regular visitors from all over the world. I have learned so much from your wisdom and thoughtfulness. You have welcomed me with open arms and open minds and I am so fortunate to know you.
When I started this blog back in August of 2011 I was desperate and alone; friendless and misunderstood, you befriended and understood me. I have learned I can be myself here. That is very precious to me as I am a sensitive soul who has hidden this aspect of myself for as long as I can remember.
I had just learned of my Asperger’s and that set the tumblers in motion that has brought me here today: pouring my soul out in words that I wouldn’t dare to say to myself or even acknowledge, let alone write down for the whole world to see.
Because I hid from the world, alone in the shadows, afraid of everything…even people. Yes, I admit it here and now to you that most of my entire life I have been afraid of people; afraid to show my strange self to anyone, not even those closest to me.
I spent a good many years in an alcoholic daze “brave-facing” the world with a drunken defiant smile all the while hiding myself behind a hard steel wall of my own creation. It wasn’t until I discovered my Asperger’s that it finally dawned that I didn’t have to be alone anymore. This started my writing, first on a small blog on an Asperger’s website then a few months later in this blog. I choose the name “My Life in Color” because at the time I thought that I would write solely about my life on the spectrum to give others a chance to perhaps understand someone like me because I wanted/needed desperately to be understood. I was ashamed of this and embarrassed that I didn’t have any real friends just drinking buddies who never knew me because I never let them. I never let anyone know me, even my own family.
It was the fear I hid behind: The fear of rejection, of ridicule, of others knowing what was really going on inside of me; how different I was. I hardly ever spoke to anyone. I just kept writing in my little notebooks and reading and learning. Words were my friends, you see and I knew somewhere deep down in my buried heart that words would someday save me–if I would only have to courage to let those words see the light of day.
But I lacked the confidence, until only recently I had no confidence at all or courage or anything of merit. I just existed and waited for what…I didn’t know, but I do know now. I waited for this; for a chance to be myself: hidden behind a facade of a fake name and the belief that no one would be reading my stuff anyway. The first month or so no one did, not many anyway, but one by one you came and you told me good things about me. You told me I was a good writer. You encouraged me. You understood me and you didn’t laugh at me or make me feel small. I don’t know why, but you kept coming and reading and commenting. Some of you for everything I wrote–everything. You didn’t mind that it sometimes takes me many days to return your comments. You didn’t mind if I didn’t make it to your sites all the time. You just kept returning and as the months came and went some of you called me friend and then after a while I had to courage to call you friend because I’ve learned about friendship from you and this is spilling out into my offline life. I have the courage now; the courage to look others in the eye and smile and say “I’m really glad to see you” and really mean it. This is because of you my friends. You saw something in me that I could never see before and I cannot truly convey how much I appreciate this.
This is like magic to me and now because of you and your kindness and acceptance of me I can finally see beyond myself to you and to others. I have found that I am not so different after all and there are many people in the world who too are alone, even in a crowd as I was. There are a great many people who just want to be understood and to hear someone say ” I care and you matter”
It means so much to me when you say I’ve brightened your day or made you think or smile or even laugh. I didn’t know I could be funny. I didn’t know I could be anything or anyone at all.
You my friends have given me this gift and what a precious one it is, more valuable than gold and it is a gift that keeps on giving because if there is anything I do in this life it will be paying this gift back to anyone and everyone that needs it….and there are so many and I think really, sometimes we all do.
This desire goes beyond my dream to become a writer someday, this silly pipe dream to become the next J.K Rowling. That is nothing. Money is nothing. Notoriety is nothing. I am not alone anymore and that is something and that is because of you!
You have saved me and that is why I am thanking you.
“I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you’ve probably misunderstood what I’ve said.” Alan Greenspan
I have been endeavoring as of late to expand my vocabulary. After writing over one hundred posts I am coming to a point in the road where I keep bumping into the same words over and over and I am discovering what my regular readers probably have already observed: my vocabulary is limited, quite limited and if I keep using the same words as “quite” and “great” all the time will never be great and that is quite true.
I find I have ideas that are of a certain nature or complexity to where it is difficult to convey them with my limitations. I liken this to an artist who paints with only a limited palate. The world is much too colorful to interpret with my measly set of 12 childhood watercolors.
I am mostly self-taught. I didn’t pay much attention in school the few times I went to class. I graduated by being a really good test taker. I thought I was clever at the time. I know how much I missed out…
I’ve made up for my lack of formalized education with a lot of unformalized education. I have consumed many books on many subjects over a twenty year span, mostly non fiction with some Sci-Fi as a sort of side dressing. I think this has helped and hindered me as a writer. I have learned an array of knowledge in a wide variety of subjects. I have never been forced to pick just one field of study; I have gone merrily on my way with only my insatiable curiosity as a guide. I believe this gives me a unique overview that helps me see the bigger picture of everything and how it’s all connected.
However, non-fiction books can get pretty dry, their writers do not usually use extra words. Most are attempting to explain technical issues and many are learned people with umpteen degrees. It is the rare gem of a writer that can convey reams of information with the style and grace of a talented wordsmith.
Although life has forced me to read a few of the “Classics”, I have generally avoided them like the plague.
The few literary influences I do have: Shakespeare, Seuss and Poe do make for an interesting mix but beyond my inventing of them, I need new words. I am bored with myself and need a shake up.
I’ve been reading word power books and the like, finding the odd tasty morsel here and there. I don’t have to tell any reader of the English language that there are a lot of odd words. I am earnest and I am learning. (I can feel my vocabulary swelling as I write this.)
I am no Logophobe and I am embracing my new-found Lexicology with an ebullience that is so ebullient that I am close to exploding with new words that I cannot wait to use!
Words such as mundungus, muzhik and mugwump! And other beauties such as musth and moxibustion! My mind is swimming with new shades and hues.
Just how I will fit bad-smelling tobacco, Russian peasants and a great man with a Chinese method of treating various conditions by burning an herbal mixture on parts of the body together with a male elephant or camel in a state of frenzy, is beyond me at the moment, but I’m sure it could make for some interesting but, perhaps confusing reading.
I would elucidate, however; it is not unambiguous to me. I beseech you, please do not cachinnate at my personage.
As long as everyone is on board with that…
This reminds me of a colorful character: Federal Reserve Board chair Alan Greenspan and his famous, or should I say infamous “Greenspeak“ a carefully rehearsed cryptic language described as an “indecipherable, Delphic dialect” and ” a turgid dialect of English” that makes intentionally wordy, vague, and ambiguous statements.
“… And so you construct what we used to call Fed-speak….I would catch myself in the middle of a sentence. Then, instead of just stopping, I would continue on resolving the sentence in some obscure way which made it incomprehensible. But nobody was quite sure I wasn’t saying something profound when I wasn’t…”
(Greenspan in an interview with BusinessWeek in August 2012)
I could stand to be a little more like Greenspan, that colorful “mugwump”. I would know ALL the words and I would use every one in my quest to become the most successful writer of all time. HAHA!
(Stand back! I am mad with power, Wordpower!)
or should I say: Videte et Ego sum demens cum potestate, Verbum potentia!)
(By the way…I have also found Google translate!)
Sometimes words can get in the way of what you’re trying to say. Words can be distracting and detracting. I suppose there’s a fine line, Just like everything else. Oh well, such is life!