Chasing Rabbits



And so here I was…

I think was Tuesday. I’m sitting at my computer at work and I note the time, it is  exactly 10:21 in the morning and all of a sudden it hits me like a rifle shot.  I begin to question every damn thing I have ever done, or not done in my entire life right there in a span of a minute. I ask myself the age old question: Is this all there is?  I look out the window at the blue sky with cottony puff ball clouds and I yearn to get up and leave and just run. Run past the parking lot and into the field on the other side of the fence, the one with the tall grass where near a stream past the railroad tracks, and run…

To leave and never come back…to sleep under the starts and never ever have another care in the world. I wanted to take all my baggage chuck it out the window and start again and I wanted to turn this damn train around and head for a newer and better destination, one of my choosing not one that fate has chosen for me.

lars leber star field night

This is when the sudden realization hit me that I was beginning what I think was a mid life crisis.  I noted the time because I knew down deep in my soul that things would never be the same. Pandora’s Box had been opened and all this stuff was rushing out, I could never put this all back nor would I want to.


Open the floodgates…


goat rushing water gif



It’s funny…


When I think of a mid life crisis I think of a guy in his forties who suddenly goes berserk and thinks he’s “The Wild One”, he dons a leather jacket, buys a motorcycle and prowls for young chicks on beaches and in swanky hotel bars. Of course that is a product of Hollywood and my mid life crisis would be of my making.


the wild one brando movie motorcycle

…plus I AM a young chick...



A thought crossed my mind;  would I do anything differently if I were 20 yrs younger?  I realized that I probably would do a great many things differently and then I decided that I would carry on like so. Who am I to put a timetable on things?

…and why call it a crisis anyway?


How about Opportunity?  Opportunity for growth and change. Opportunity for success and mastery. Opportunity to be master of my own fate. To face my fears and finally be free.

Ever since that day a week ago I have been swimming in enthusiasm. A certain spark has ignited something in me that is akin to magic and I can only be better for it. I am bolder and more outspoken. I am more at ease with myself. I feel stronger and wiser and kinder.

And it was with this mindset…

Hello there!
Hello there!


I was watering the flowers and a cute little green grasshopper hopped up out at me, grinned and stayed a spell on the side of the house before disappearing among the tall Black-Eyed Susans and pink and purple Phlox.

I decided to take this as a sign of good things to come and when the tiny brown rabbit approached me in the parking lot at work the next day I really decided to see that as a sign.  For fun I googled the meaning of both animals and what if anything they were trying to tell me.

According to folksy internet lore about spirit animals grasshoppers symbolize taking a leap of faith and funny enough rabbits do too. Both creatures symbolize good luck in doing so. That cute hoppy bunny early that morning that looked at me in trepidation as I snapped it’s pic was trying to tell me that I need to take that leap of faith and that it is in standing still wherein the danger lies.

I mean thinking of this in all whimsicalness and in a bit seriousness too, if the universe or God, or whatever was trying to communicate with me what better messenger? A tiny life out there in the big bad world doing it, living… afraid but alive… making that leap of faith, the very leap I must make.




bunny rabbit in parking lot

“You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Every day, God gives us the sun–and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived that moment, that it doesn’t exist–that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that moment exists–a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.”
~Paulo Coelho

References and Related articles

Alice in Wonderland: I’m Late & Down the Rabbit Hole

Spirit Animal: Grasshopper

Rabbit Symbolism



Addendum:  Apparently the above mentioned grasshopper may actually be a Katydid (Thanks Robert) but I was so wrapped up in taking a leap of faith I failed to notice this. I am also choosing to remain in blessed ignorance regarding this one tiny detail because well, why not?  🙂



SBI at age 6

The youth gets together his materials to build a bridge to the moon, or, perchance, a palace or temple on the earth, and, at length, the middle-aged man concludes to build a woodshed with them.”
*Henry David Thoreau*

I have been finding myself slipping ever so slowly into what is commonly referred to as “middle age”  apparently halfway between birth and death. At 43 I’d like to think that I still have a few years before I officially hit that middle mark.   This middle age business can take its toll on the ego sometimes, especially at those times when I am being called “ancient” by my smartalacky teenagers. I don’t feel ancient or old at all…really.

In fact I still expect to see that smarmy teen looking back when I look into the mirror, to see traces of age where there wasn’t before, tells me time passes quickly… much too quickly.

One day I’m young and full of attitude. I am a self-proclaimed knower of all that is worth knowing..I have the world by the tail and can do no wrong…and then…

and then… I really don’t know what happened…time passes like it always does, it goes faster than you think it will…it seems to be going faster and faster and then, in what  seems like a blink of an eye….you wake up and take notice. It’s like waking up from a  dream and find you’ve been asleep for far too long.

There’s a moment that sticks in my mind; a time that time made me wake up; it was probably the first time that society sent a subtle message to me…

You are getting old, you”

I wasn’t ready to hear that…

middle acdc-music-bands-album-covers-angus-young-HD-Wallpapers

I was in the car changing radio stations like a maniac, as I do. I found a song from my youth…I think it was AC/DC’s “Back in Black”, this was a favorite of mine in earlier days: to me it symbolized youth and fun and….rebellion…..back when I was a youth full of fun and rebellion….and so I hear the song and all those feelings rushed back and it’s like it was yestersday…I am a punky 14-year-old clad in my black leather jacket and spiky hair, wearing pounds of makeup and tons of attitude….I’m right back there and it’s fun, I enjoy this…  Music does that to me. I enjoy stepping back into little pockets of my past with music…it was all good up to that point…until the end of the song when the radio station proudly proclaims itself as classic rock station…..What?!   How can that be  classic rock? I remember when that song came out….what?! Are they implying that the music of my youth is old? ….what?!….that would make me old….NOOOOOO!

(I think it was this screaming that woke me up)

That wasn’t the first time nor the last that society has tried to point out to me that I am no spring chicken anymore…this bothers me….another thing that bothers me more than anything is my generation’s acceptance of this “old” label.

It seems that a lot of people my age are in too much of a hurry to be old they do seem like a bunch of old people–I can’t help but notice this.

It is a sickness how rapidly they embrace…….eeek….Nostalga!

I hate to say it….

I do admit however it can get tough to fight off that sick and pathetic nostalgia that tries to knock on the door of my conscious mind.  I’ve seen it in others before. I watched the generation before me: The baby boomers embrace nostalgia like nobody’s business. Ka-ching Ka-ching. I enjoyed feeling smugly superior. I guess the kind of smug superiority that comes with the flush of youth and ignorance.

I’ve also watched how the boomers have looked age square in the face and said: “Not me, not yet.” I have always admired spunky older people.

I just have never seen myself as becoming one of those spunky older people…

I know I’m repeating myself when I say this, I guess old people do that, but I don’t feel old.  I do feel the privilege of experience, I remember a fair bit of history and I feel more solid and sure of myself. I am more realistic; life has stung me a few times but I appreciate a whole lot more and I’d like to think that I’m a much kinder and compassionate person in my “old age”

In fact I have never felt better. I hate to brag but I am in the best shape of my life, mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel on top of my game. I also am at a crossroads. In a sort of in-between time. I am in a state of flux and in a transition and for the first time I don’t know what I’m transitioning into. I surprise myself daily. That I am writing this amazes me…

I came across the definition of a mid-life crisis that I thought…interesting..

“A midlife crisis is experienced by many people during the midlife transition when they realize that life may be more than halfway over. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance.”


THAT sounds a tad too familar…so what am I to do?
SBI as Punky teen

I’m gonna’ crank up that Classic Rock station, dig out my old leather jacket, put some purple dye in my hair and fight fight fight all the way baby!



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