A Non Writing Writer

 

“A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.”
~Franz Kafka

 

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How can I call myself a writer? I ask myself as I skip past my blog (this one) and head straight on to Facebook for a healthy helping of scrabble, inspirational gobbledygook, silliness and chat.  This has become a pattern as of late; a pastime I engage in to distract myself from the reality that I am a writer that is not writing.

I am stuck. Jumbled is the best way I can describe it.  A million thoughts vie for my attention; some are glorious, some are grand, some are damn insecure and most are unfinished. Just like my writing–just like me.

Time is a funny thing; when I was younger it seemed to be there was so much of it.  I couldn’t wait for it to pass so I could do this or that. There was an abundance of time and I could afford to waste it. So I did….and then life gets in the way…funny again how  THAT happens and so here we are and here I am in my mid forties and what have I done?  Not a whole hell of a lot…

 

…for myself anyway…for my dreams and my hopes. There was always someone first. This is not unusual. It is the reality of being a parent; sometimes your dreams have to rest on the back burner for a while. I understand that and I embraced the hell out of it, spending many years as a stay-at-home mom. You never ever get that time back and I am glad I was able to do it but this has set me back career-wise quite a bit.

 

I always thought in the back of my mind that writing would “save” me someday; from the reality…the drudgery of every day life…writing has always been my salvation.

I have spent countless hours alone; just me with pen and paper. I would pour my heart and soul out and never dare show anyone what I had  written. Writing was my only confidant, my only true friend. Every hurt…and every joy and everything in between was  recorded in one way or another.

I have grown dependent on this mode of expression to get my feelings out. It is like breathing to me and when I don’t write I slowly suffocate…

Once in a while I get blocked. We all do. Many, I think run out of ideas on what to write, this has never been a problem for me… quite the opposite.  I can think of a million things to write. My brain is like a radio receiver and most of the time I can pick up one station at a time and focus. This is the perfect spot for me; I am in “the zone” and at my most  happiest.
On rare occasions it’s as if all the stations are on at the same time. I can’t focus on just one.  I’ve learned not to worry at this point. I’ve been here before and I have learned just to walk away and do something else.

The words cannot be forced and neither can my passion. I have to be passionate about whatever I write or really what is the point? I am finding out. I must be true to myself and my convictions. I cannot sugarcoat my feelings or concentrate my focus on silly feel-good trite. I must speak my mind and not worry about upsetting someone.

I have been guilty of all of the above…and life is too damn short for this.

 

It is almost midnight. The back door is open and a cool breeze wafts in ever so slightly, my tea is warm and I am smiling–life is pretty good.
I don’t need all the answers. I don’t need to be perfect and I don’t think anyone expects me to be. So I’m going to focus on being me a little more and not being someone else. This Strawberryindigo thing…I don’t know. I may drop the silly name and be….me; Nancy.

I can’t force this, I think I will take life as it comes for a while and see where that leads me…

 

 

 

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Where is that? I don’t know but I do know I must keep on writing. It’s like riding a bike and here I am back on the bike baby pedaling like crazy.

I have missed you all here in the blogosphere. I feel like a kid who has been out of school for an extended absence and now I am back. I am out on the playground and it feels good to be here!

 

Nancy

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“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.” 
~Charles Bukowski

 

 

 

PS:  Whoever sent me the Kafka quote. Thanks for the reminder. I needed it.  I want you to know that it is one of my favorites and so are you!

 

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Related YouTube

 

DEMONS by Imagine Dragons

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Liberace Typewriter Song

 

Weekly writing challenge: The Sound of Blogging

I saw the headline: The Sound of Blogging. As if there was such a thing…but there is and it’s music to my ears  This is my first stab at the WordPress Weekly Writing Challenge and I want to make a decent showing. This idea made me stop and ponder a bit. I enjoy stopping and pondering. I think it is essential for a writer and me, in my long-winded way, am a writer, as most of us bloggers are.

I have mentioned a few times in the past the sound I make as I write; a rhythmic tap-tap-tap. It is how I describe what I do; it is in fact a sort of 4 finger quick-step, hunt and peck that has evolved into the tap-tap-tap. It starts slow then picks up speed and before you know it, I am going on at full clip. Not to say that my technique doesn’t need improvement. I will be the first to admit to that, but all in all it is a comforting sound.

When my family hears this tinkling of the computer keys they know that I am happy, they’ll get no trouble out of me. As long as the hot coffee flows I am content to be tap-tap-tapping the night away; writing my heart out.

I let the words flow like a melody that sings a song about hope and inspiration, compassion, kindness and how the power of love; the love of our planet and for our fellow humans can transform the world.   It is the song of life played out by a hack with a laptop and a dream that I hear in my tap tap tapping…and to me it’s the loveliest sound in the universe.

Thanks for listening,

Strawberryindigo.

While you’re at it check out those sounds…

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(Excellent music I like to tap to)

MASTERS OF STRING THEORY

An instrumental  journey through time on a string played by some the greats.

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Click here for some excellent tapping courtesy of The Nicolas Brothers

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The Typewriter Song

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Mr. Bojangles tapping with Shirley Temple

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